Vegetarian Dee

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Sweet Life

been really busy as the bazaar is coming up in 3 days! its goin to start noon on friday, all the way til 9pm..then again sat and sun! sure M and i (and our babies!) will be super tired..but looking forward to fun and sales and good contacts! it's all happenin' for INDIGObaby!

guess what!!! my ex boss called me last thurs pm asking me if i could do a racket for them the next day, speaking engagement daw. so i was like, ok, what do i have to do..turns out i had to present a powerpoint that they made, and say that i was a SKIN EXPERT who has been doing herbal remedies for 5 years!! i wanted to take the job, but 1) could i do it? 2) what about benny????

was able to get elisa to agree to watch ben in alexandra, mama nuca's house, as the talk was in tektite, 5mins away! liz is great with kids, in fact, she was the one who taught me to hold a baby, before when i was preggy pa. and she's free coz she just graduated and is looking for a job.

another prob, i only had 5 oz of stored milk! the night and morning were spent expressing as much milk as i could get, total of 10oz.

i reviewed the powerpoint presentation that night and it was on herbal soaps, 8 varieties of fab ingredients and benefits. not so hard coz i was familiar with most of them..thanks to papa and naturally yours!! thats why R thought of me i guess:)

so the next day, we ventured to deposit ben at alexandra, get him and liz settled in, then me to meet the client and discuss the talk i was going to do in the next hour! small talk small talk, then i told her about indigo and our fab new organic line for mums and babies. turns out, she knew someone in the QTV show, The Sweet Life of Lucy Torres and Wilma Doesnt, the guy who casts guests on the show!! she immediately called her contact and recommended, no more like sold, us to them and said that they HAD to feature us!!! we gave the guy our multiply address and i called him after.

sunday, he calls me and asks if we were free to shoot monday!!!! omigosh!! yes! we were taped yesterday, benny me, monica and santi! as guests on the show! it'll be aired end of november still, but fab still coz we were able to plug the alabang bazaar we are joining in december:) lucy and wilma loved the kids, along w the entire crew and staff:)

as our segment was about to get taped, benny decided to get hungry and fussy, so i had to feed him under our Indigo Reversible Nursing bib..i was feeling a bit sad coz he'd miss his chance at being seen on national tv, and i said to myself, i'd raise his feet up nalang as say "hi, this is benny!"

so thy started taping us, intro intro..lucy said, "we have with us today, indigo baby's yummy mummies monica and denise with babies santi and benny....then (i am not joking!!!) benny, who was nursing and asleep under the bib, pops his head out from under the bib and looks around at everyone, as if he knew it was time for him to come out and show himself to the world!! with drowsy eyes and the i-just-got-up-but-am-still-cute face, ben was amazing! hahaha! it was soooo funny i swear!

we demonstrated the nappy clutch, the bib, and all the other items. it was great!! mons and i are so amazed at how it all came to be! parang the world is conspiring to help us indigo gets big and we never have to leave our babies alone!! :)

p.s. oh, the talk went well by the way..turns out i knew more than what was expected of me! ;) good job dee!

Friday, October 26, 2007

in the danger zone

Benny, at almost 7 months, moves.

And he moves a lot.

Started with slithers backwards, turning over and getting stuck, rolling, humping, pouncing (with growling), climbing, pulling.

Needless to say, to leave him on the bed, or anywhere alone would be dangerous.

The other day, as he dozed off to dreamland (or so I thought), I got up and answered a phone call in the other room. I didn't dare disturb him coz naptime equals Dee time, for shower, food, and net (busy busy is good good!).

In less than two minutes, I entered back into the room to find Ben awake, on the corner of our queen-sized bed, on his knees and with his hands on the arm of the rocking chair by the bed...giddy and bouncing with a big grin on his face as if he were saying, "Mum!! There you are!!"

I ran (four steps from the door to the bed) and grabbed him in panic that another second away could mean another fall..more painful than the previous one!

Safe and in the bed, we played and fed until he napped again after. Phew! Fearless Benicio.

In other news....

it has been 12..yes twelve days since Benny has seen daddy-o.:( Because I am mad, holding back and not communicating. But B has also not tried to see us, or at least Ben. No call, no text, no asking if he could come visit (Sometimes I wish he were somewhere around spying on us at least.).

Can't comprehend how he could stay away this long. *sigh*

oh well..if he did come, i don't know how i'd act or what i'd say anyway. Just pondering.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

poop in the toilet

weeeee!! Benny poo-ed in the toilet twice tonight!

i think our trial at elimination communication is working..well slowly, but better that than nothing.

i started trying the method roughly two months ago, and since Ben is a lampin (cloth diaper) baby (thank god to my grandmother for this input, we fought about cloth vs. plastic when i was pregnant and i am sooooooo glad i gave in!), it makes it a bit easier.

i got some tushy wushy diapers and have been using them at home and for short trips outside. so far so good. i also went on two weeks of running to the toilet, watching out for peeing cues and signs, waking up at night with the bed soaked coz i was too tired to wake up and change a cloth diaper, until i said, thing at a time.

then today, wearing his chino pino care of yummy mummy monica, benny grunted as he was going to poo..i rushed him to the toilet, removed him nappy, and sat him on the toilet, alone this time, not between my legs as i was wearing a camo skirt. he pushed and pushed and smile at me between dropping little mustard paste into the bowl, as if he was proud to do it! i was impressed and kept patting him on the back with pride :)

then again, later tonight, as i was in between lampins, benny started grunting while feeding on my lap (yes, i leave him naked and free sometimes and have made a very nasty mess, but it is just toooooo nice to see him naked!). he moved his fingers to him bum and we just looked at each other and i knew: he was going to poo. again, he did it in the toilet!

i'm impressed. maybe this elimination communication is working! pee is a bit tricky to catch, tiresome too, but starting with one thing is better than none at all:)

cheers to benlove and mum dee!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

knowing there is only now

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille

A comfort to read such words on my email I guess.

With all the chaos around me, the impending uncertainty, deep sadness slash excitement that singledom may be mine again, the trusting the process and knowing that all i have is really today.

i don't know. i am sad. i am hurt. but when I look into Benny's eyes, with him smiling at me for no reason at all, I know that things will be ok, no matter what. Really.

Enough settling, or running after people to be loved. I deserve so much more than that.

I pray for strength..and courage..with the souls of every one who has walked this path before and found themselves better in the end.

Now, I am not walking it alone. I've got Benlove to hold my hand.

I do not want to hate anymore. I pray for the day I am less mad at the cards that I am dealt. But as much as I want to blame, I know that I also chose the choices I made that led me here.

All will be well..good things.

Friday, October 12, 2007

starting solids

october 8..benny celebrated his half-year my how time flies. really.

that meant introducing some solids to his diet. as an Open 24/7 No Reservations milk machine, the idea of food for benny was a little bit scary.

"oh no, what if he likes the food better than me?"

I was worried.

I saw how he looked at us with intent in his eyes when we'd eat on the dinner table. I watched how his head would turn to an almost right angle as he sat on my lap and looked up as my fork traveled from the plate to the mouth. He was ready.

So I did it. I introduced my sunshine boy to oatmeal three mornings ago...first with a little bit on my clean finger, then with his spoon. He took to it well. It was adorable how he opened his mouth and leaned towards the spoon.

Oatmeal dripped from his lips, but he enjoyed it. So did I. (Even if I had a sudden fear in my head about the day when he'd stop drinking my milk:<)

So I have officially started solids I guess. I used oatmeal from the local grocery, ground to a powder in the blender, and cooked in a little water. He eats very little so far, but we enjoy his feeding paraphernalia from Baby & Co (except I had to exchange the cute colorful ones because they were made in China!!)

Food glorious food.

The funnest part of it all is that Ben still adores my milk-giving breasts! Even if they have shrinked to size, adjusted to his need, he giggles and half whines with desire when I position myself next to him in the bed right before a feed. Like he really wants it. I love that.

A friend of mine had a daughter refuse her breast after five months of mix feeding. The infant enjoyed her new fake nipple. This friend of mine experienced depression. I am guessing it was the grieving from weening?

I know it will be hard for milk, keep flowing and Benny, keep sucking!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Life is beautiful

I hardly write in this blog, due to lack of time and effort..but wanted to share this with you..and put it here as well, so I can read it every now and then..since i tend to forget and take life's pleasures for granted. cheers!

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food -
Think of someone who
has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -
Think of someone who's
crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're

Before you argue about your dirty house someone
didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with
their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who
wish they had your

But before you think of pointing the finger or
condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we
all answer to one

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive
and still around.

Friday, September 21, 2007

fighting for feeding

i think i just made myself an enemy.

i watched the video on you tube about a mother breastfeeding her children until they were five and eight. quite inspirational for me since i pray for the milk to keep flowing til then. her husband was ok with it and very supportive in fact. her children loved her breasts and milk, saying they'd "choose breastmilk ove a thousand melons".

i have been feeding benny for almost six months now, and this was my initial goal when i gave birth, but now, i would like to do it until he's four or five. even longer if possible. there is a beautiful connection i feel when he feeds. something that is so pure and amazing. i never thought i would love it so much.

anyhow, while browsing through the videos close to the previous one, i found a rip-off satire done by some chain-smokin' white lady. silly really. i couldn't help but post a comment for the video.

a day later, she replied.

at least we agree that breastfeeding in natural and beatiful. but i kinda feel like i made myself an fight for the right to feed without constraints, embarrassment, and prejudice!

here's to more fun feeding moments with benicio!

cheers to all you lactating ladies out there!

the evolution of a logo

the evolution of the logo of indigo..a collaboration between dee and nix 'after a life of ambivalence"..(does that mean my life is un-ambivalent now???!!)

first, we came up with this

then decided to make things simpler and designed this

a cool artist friend make this, using the 'g' as a mother and child

we wanted something hipper, and another friend got inspired and came up with this

i like this..really, but it's been done after all this, we decided to stick with this

other inspired ideas that we can keep on file


so there.

here's to indigo, the children that inspired it, and the mums that conceptualized it;)

special thanks to louis fojas, enzo montano, and of course, my darling sister lesleigh

Saturday, September 1, 2007

i hate

no one is going to read this so i might as well tell my blog how i feel.

i am worried about all the hate i am currently feeling for my grandfather. he stormed into my room the other night and un-invited me to dinner so benny could stay home. he said

"no, you are not invited, my friend. Stay home with your son!" (i still need to learn how to make words bold here!)

i hate how he calls me 'his friend" coz we will never be anything close to that. and how he calls benny my son, and not by his if to make things more authoritative.

ok ok. i know he has benny's wellbeing in his mind, but i hate how him and my grandma think that they know what's best for him. i guess all adults (does that disclude me?) think they know what to do, since they have had their own share of children and life in general. but the way they hover, with such authority is purely annoying. it makes me feel stupid as a mum, like i am selfish and make selfish decisions and do not care about benny's health, joy, and overall being! really stupid, they always think i purposely expose him to germs and bad spirits. arrghhh. i need to accept that they are from the old school way of thinking where outdoor equals sickness and activity equals overfatigue.

now, when my grandfather goes to benny to talk to him and say hi, i feel my blood boil, like i want to tell him to never look at us again. i am scared coz i feel like i am beginning to have the same anger that my mum had for her parents..that deep rooted resentment for them, blaming them for i dont know what.

that's why i want to leave. for as long as i live with them, they will always think they have authority over me and now benny. they will always have a say. i like being here coz i have my sister with me, help that i need (food, laundry, driver), the net to keep me sane, and the village atmosphere for benny's wellbeing. but the trade off is shit from my grandparents.

this has been brewing for a while and i'd like to believe that by writing, i am letting go of some steam. i do not want to hate. i do not want to be unhappy. i do not want to have resentments.

oh well...much has to be done, dee. one day at a time.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

coming to terms

my little darling baby will be five months in a less than two time flies.

a few days ago, i was again hit by the anxiety bug that made me stress about my life and how i feel like it is going nowhere. before, i was sinking in the pit, i have my son to worry about.

a friend pointed out that maybe i have not truly come to terms with the whole 'mommyhood' idea. yes, things have changed. priorities, everyday life, relationships, (my size!!), the way i feel about things. on a good day, i can experience these changes and take things in stride. on a bad day, (fridays mostly coz those are the days when i feel alone at home and resentful that my partner is out havin' a ball livin' the bachelor life!) things can really get to the point that i want to fly away and start over.

i love my son..with all my heart. i want to give him the best..this of course means finding the best person for myself, who will love me and my son unconditionally, treat us right, take care of us and make the world a sunshiney place. whether or not that person has arrived is beyond me today. that is what stresses me out. the what if's sink in.

so i accept that the whole mum idea is still in transition within me. it doesn't mean that i love my son doesn't make me a bad mum and does not deserve my guilt. simple fact is that i am going through changes that bring with them a bunch of wacky emotions to deal with..

here's to a happy and healthy life for me and my darling son benny. wherever the wind will bring us, there will always be sunshine:)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

hair cut of the rich and famous!

inspired by katie holmes...

...i got a hair cut and ended looking like this

oh well, i tried.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

loving the latching

this is just to express my gratitude and joy that my little benny is a great sucker..from day one, when we were both new at this, he readily came to me with eagerness and latched. some babies don't even do that. and it is sad i guess.
there is great fulfillment i get from breastfeeding my baby and after 4 months, i sometimes worry about what my life will be when benny grows up and weans himself away from me.. i think i may need some weening as well! anyhow, this wil be a long time from now since benny and i are loving the latching!

lately though, he has become very hyper and so fond of playing that he feeds less. less, compared to his feeding-almost-every-minute days, but still enough to keep him staying healthy and happy. i notice though that trying to feed him when he is not hungry is a bad bad move. we both just get frustrated thn give up. the consolation of it all, is that when this little boy is hungry he latches immediately and without hesitation. i love that.

a friend of mine whos baby is a 'light sucker' has to pump 24/7 to give her baby enough milk. we jokingly planned to make benny latch onto her one day to get the milk flowing and maybe entice the baby though show-and-tell. before, i thought this idea to be sick (sharing teet!! eeeew!). But now, if it were in desperation, i would consider sharing my milk or letting my baby receive from someone else if i couldn't give. it would maybe break my heart, but i'd do it for him.

luna was born yesterday, august 15, 2007 at 7.1 lbs.
luna, little luna..with her murmur in her heart. be strong little one, we're all praying for you.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Happy Assumption Feast Day 2007

Took a little trip to Assumption College tonight for the infamous AC vigil 2007..a special year becasue MME, the college's patron, was canonized this year!! Benny and I were able to catch the last few songs of the METTA presentation..i swayed my hips to 'Halleluia Tart' with Benny on sling:) Was also able to talk to Sir Ian about him and his wife have been raising their son. I like ho they think, going back to basics..pure breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping..none of that 'let the baby cry and get used to it bull crap'. sometimes i feel like the lonely bee in the MTV of No Rain..looking for kindred souls who believe in the same things I do. Thank god for the ones i've found :)
Was also able to see my bibo blockmates: aleah, trix, kitel and some good friends: dos, shaena (who's getting hitch next year 080808!), candice and nina. so much fun to see all of them and show benny off (hehehe!) got some good photos which i will add to my "Into your arms" album on multiply! wow i miss college..we're all growing up and it is so nice to have great mem'ries!

in other news...

here's the tee little big benny got tonight from his daddy bo :) custom-made tiny size for the little bwitre!

in more news...

benny's ninang gia is going to be giving birth today!! Maria excited for that!

and more news...

benny's other ninang sabine is back in town! fun fun!


emotional state: somewhat high...i want to start keeping a log of how i feel on a daily basis to see whether there is a pattern to my highs and lows.

Friday, July 27, 2007

my filipinas

must travel more.

My Lakbayan grade is C+!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

lost time

it's friday now and i am worried that my blog is getting rotten here coz i haven't had the time to write since my first real entry. my dad's in town and its fab to see him after so long..i sense that he really wants to make up for lost time..except i don't know if that is ever really possible? is it? i wonder. we're off to davao on sunday to spend some days there in the sun. i'm really excited but at the same time i am going to miss the company of benny's dad. i am sure my sister and fam will help me out taking care of benny but it'd be great to have him around.

my dad and mum got separated when i turned 12. it was very painful coz it coincided with my birthday. so goodbye dad. we got reunited though in 1999 when i flew to the states. it was funny. i was 18 already, all grown up from when i last saw him and we had 6 years gone, and 2 weeks to try and fix things. i wanted to get my tongue pierced and he refused to allow me. i was like, who the hell are you to tell me what to do? after not being in my life all this time, why should what you think have any bearing on my decisons?" i cried a lot. we made up evntually and everything was fine. he was my dad matter what. i flew back to manila and got my tongue pierced that day. funny.
now he's here again..i know and see that he loves all of us very much. but there is that strange distance between us coz of lost time.
i wonder now how benny will look back at his dad and how he loves him.

benny tonight is not feeling so well..don't know if it's gas, or colic. he hasn't fed since 6 p.m. and hasn't wanted to be put down. poor baby when he cries like that. i want to fix it, take charge and make things right. then sometimes i feel like i can't or i'm too tired, or mad that i am doing it alone.

ok goodnight world. much for a blog entry. till i write again.

Friday, July 6, 2007

back to basics

went out for the first time last night..well we did last week for my brother's birthday, but that was an hour only. last night, i left benny for three whole hours to go to the Christina Aguilera concert at the Fort..I was a bit guilty to leave benny at first, but thank god for some affirmations, I was able to let it go. Yes, we all need our 'alone time'..good also for bo and me to spend time like that together. We were missing little benny though..wondering how he was doing, if he was hungry and drinking the milk i stored for him? mama and papa took over for those 3 hours. it was fab to be out..sometimes i forget i am a mommy. i wanted to bring benlove with me to the concert, but it wouldve been too chaotic for him..or not?

he was fast asleep when we got home. he drank an ounce of milk only while i was away..not so fond of fake nips i guess. bye bye hard work. i gave it to the cats this morning..i think they found it strange..reinforces the idea that only humans drink milk beyond breastfeeding days. we dont need cows milk and my baby definetely doesn't need powered formula..thank god for the milk that just keeps flowing..

so after watching Back to Basics..i was home in bed with the nice cozy weather..back to Benny... :)

Thursday, July 5, 2007