my little darling baby will be five months in a less than two weeks..how time flies.
a few days ago, i was again hit by the anxiety bug that made me stress about my life and how i feel like it is going nowhere. before, i was sinking in the pit alone..now, i have my son to worry about.
a friend pointed out that maybe i have not truly come to terms with the whole 'mommyhood' idea. yes, things have changed. priorities, everyday life, relationships, (my size!!), the way i feel about things. on a good day, i can experience these changes and take things in stride. on a bad day, (fridays mostly coz those are the days when i feel alone at home and resentful that my partner is out havin' a ball livin' the bachelor life!) things can really get to me...to the point that i want to fly away and start over.
i love my son..with all my heart. i want to give him the best..this of course means finding the best person for myself, who will love me and my son unconditionally, treat us right, take care of us and make the world a sunshiney place. whether or not that person has arrived is beyond me today. that is what stresses me out. the what if's sink in.
so i accept that the whole mum idea is still in transition within me. it doesn't mean that i love my son less..it doesn't make me a bad mum and does not deserve my guilt. simple fact is that i am going through changes that bring with them a bunch of wacky emotions to deal with..
here's to a happy and healthy life for me and my darling son benny. wherever the wind will bring us, there will always be sunshine:)