Vegetarian Dee

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

On Letting Go

i love you mum--im writing to tell you that the little baby INDIA is gone:( when the spotting started last sat i knew something was wrong and i cried so much and felt really bad but somehow learned to accept it all and live with what life gives. 

India at 4weeks and 4days- healthy sac ready for the baby. 

here's how it all happened- 

last tues, we went for a check up and all looked well naman. my OB just asked for my last period date and then touched my tummy and i was a month late na and she checked for heartbeat but wala pa, but it usually comes at 6-8weeks daw. 

then thursday night, there was a brown mucousy string when i wiped after peeing at night so i got a bit worried and asked my ob - i even emailed her a photo :P hahaha. she said to get a transV ultrasound asap to know status. 

so friday- bo and i took benny to school in QC and went to delgado hospital near by (where my ob also has clinic) to get the ultrasound. i wasn't spotting yet and ultrasound looked ok- 4week 4days sac, no embryo or heartbeat yet but everything looked ready for the baby to come in about 2weeks. 

doc suggested bed rest and some meds. i didn't want to take the meds coz it wasn't natural and i haven't taken any meds in so long na. since she's a homeopathic doc too, she suggested alternatives which i took sat. i had cramps friday night and was getting a bit stressed about the idea of bed rest- you know me naman mum diba!! 

then sat- more pain and then the spotting started:(  little lang when id pee and wipe. but cramps like PMS. i also had little appetite and cried a lot. i felt like my body was giving up on me. i felt like i did something wrong. why wasn't i healthy for this baby. was i too stressed and over working again..blaming and mad and all those feeling before acceptance. then the bangungot that night about the devil wanting to get my baby. :(

sunday i had diarrhea but i dunno from what so my tummy ache was moving from PMS pain to tummy / gas pain. ginger tea helped and i ate some food and fruits. 

i fought w bo coz he wasn't as 'caring' as i wanted him to be. i said, i think i need a mom, hoping he'd become my mom and bring me soup and massage me. but instead he said- do you want to stay in san lo w mama first? haaay:( but what can i expect from a man?

monday i was supposed to see my doc na but i wanted to rest. bo took benny to school and i stayed at home..still spotting. started reading an awesome book WOMENS BODIES WOMENS WISDOM that has a lot of reference to Anna Wilson Shaef- you know her right!! basta good good book..was more accepting na at night. 

middle of the night- major cramps and i woke up felt like i was going to give birth! went to the banyo to try and push it out but it was gas and pee and poo and some blood..basta weird. 

the next morning- more blood coming out and by the time we went to my OB for ultrasound, the sac had moved down na from it's position on friday- which looked like a threatened abortion nga. blood in clumps was coming out na so i had to wear my cloth pads. doc did an IE and she said that it would just come out since it was only 4weeks and for me to just rest and take lots of iron and vitC. for the first time in 2years, mama came to have tea w me in my house that afternoon:P 

so there. 

thoughts that made me feel better: 
1. my uterus is practicing for a next baby. 
2. i sent a pure spirit back to heaven. now we have little angel india there to watch over us.
3. most times these things happen in the first trimester as natures way of eliminating a 'defective' seed. 
4. better now than when baby is bigger would be heartbreaking i can imagine. 

i never thought id get a miscarriage..but then again i never thought id be married too. hahaaha! so life is life. 

it also made me value life- i look at benny and see the miracle that he is!!!!! i never had A SINGLE complication when i was preggy w him!! despite all the drama in my life then..and look at him now- a perfect child w complete limbs and five years old now! he was really MEANT to come into this world- into my life for reasons i find each living day. grabe. and also the miracle that i am- and that we all are!! LIFE IS PRECIOUS. and GOD is in CHARGE!! his plans can be different but they are better!
Benicio Hesus Lorenzo!

it also made me reflect- 
have i been working too hard nanaman?? 
have i been taking more than i can handle? 
not taking care of myself? not resting? 
a lot of resentments came out and issues that needed to be dealt with (w bogey:P)

i also allowed myself to REST and do nothing!!! SARAP! but yung nga- do i need EXCUSES to do nothing?? and do i need to wait for my body to ask for an OVERHAUL before i allow myself this well-deserved break?!

i was also so stressed at first- no yaya, no bogey coz he was in singapore for work, loads of work- so maybe that also affected it. 

i noticed tho that i always get major sickness / overhauls at this season- end of june-july. 
first my lymph nodes 2 years ago
then my teeth last july
and now this. 
so there's a cycle that need to be addressed.

i dunno- a miracle can always happen and despite the bleeding, maybe a baby can still be formed. who knows..but  i feel like i grew a bit from all of this and it feels good. I'm sad, i was excited na, and so was benny and bo..but well just have to try again and pray for a healthy one!! besides, benny is like 3kids already anyway haahah!

ok time to sleep na! i just wanted to let you know how i am that i am ok and getting through it. i love you sooo much and miss you heaps! hugging you from here!! 

good night kisses mum and les! :* 

July 4, 2012

My song for INDIA

my daily meditation that keeps me balanced..:*