A Promise of Hope

 A Promise of Hope

by DCSG

October 25, 2026

October 29, 1999

I entered these rooms when I was 17, from an overdose near death experience that almost cost me my life. In that experience, I went to a place that I thought was heaven and I saw a person who I thought was God. And I said to Him, “This is so cool, I feel amazing, no more pain, no more suffering, no more confusion. Can I just stay here with you?” And that being said to me, “No, Denise, you need to go back to earth, help yourself and help others like you.”

I was then zapped back into the hospital room, with tears in my eyes and I knew I needed help. The next week, I was in treatment for the disease called addiction. 

                                          

I wish my story ended there but it took many years of “research and experimentation”, trying to find the perfect combination of drugs and alcohol that wouldn’t make me unmanageable (lol). I tried my best from 17 to 40 but found myself on my knees, face flat on the floor begging for a solution, for an answer. That was when I came back into these rooms on July 16, 2022. I stayed abstinent from drugs and alcohol for a year but did not go to meetings or work the steps. I just didn’t pick up. I found myself depressed and I asked God, my Higher Power, for an answer to my misery. A friend in recovery reached out to me and invited me to join The Gratitude Express meetings on Zoom. I hesitated at first, being ashamed for all my years of relapse, but I was welcomed with open arms, no judgement and lots of encouragement. “Keep coming back”, they would always say. I found a sponsor and we worked the steps with the Big Book, page by page, line by line, pencil and highlighter in hand. That has made all the difference. Today, I am 4 years clean and sober by the grace of God. I continue to go to meetings, work the steps and help others like me. 

A promise of hope

When I was 12 years old, I lost my father to this disease. My mom asked him to leave the house because he couldn’t stop using. A promise of hope from this 12-step program is standing here today with my dad in the same room, clean and sober today for 10 years now <3

This disease runs deep. As you can see, genetic pre-disposition plays a major role. I am 1 of 4 children and only I got the disease of addiction and alcoholism. I also married someone who is a “managable user”. 

I heard a story once where a man was drowning in a ship. He couldn’t save anyone including himself until he jumped off the ship to find dry ground. Then and only then could he find help for the others on the drowning ship.  Sadly, this disease destroyed my marriage and took what it took. I had to leave my marriage, jump ship and save myself first. I have 2 beautiful sons, 19 and 13, and my prayer is that they don’t have to go through what I went through. This disease ends with me. This is why I am here today. This is why I stay clean and sober.

I spent my life trying to be someone I am not. I tried with the best of my ability to “drink and use like a lady” but I have had to accept that drugs and alcohol have no place in my life. Because of that, I wrote and published a book entitled Apples and Oranges, a celebration of similarities and differences. 

In the Big Book page 427 in the personal story entitled Window of Opportunity there is a passage that reads: 

The speaker said, “If you’re an apple, you can be the best apple you can be, but you can never be an orange.” I was an apple all right, and for the first time I understood that I had spent my life trying to be an orange. I looked around at a room filled with apples and, if I was understanding the speaker, most of them were no longer trying to be oranges. 

If you or a person that you love needs help, do reach out +639285040226 hashtagdeetalks@gmail.com

                                            

--

DENISE CHRISTINE SEHWANI GONZALES

Follow me @denise.yogaandwellness & @yogaatbp

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Apples and Oranges

 We are in the homestretch for the book, Apples and Oranges, and I cant help but get nostalgic thinking of you, of us. 

Apples and Oranges was us-- both fruits but going our separate ways. 

June 28, 2022

Hey there,

How've you been? Hope you're all good and taking care of you. It's me, Bogey. Fucz? Not sure you still remember me.

Just wanted to write you a little letter. It's sad to see you go. It's sad that things are going to end this way... through messages and letters. But it seems that's really the only way for us to actually talk. 

Many things happened this time around. It sure isn't as bad as last year but it stings just the same. It started for me at the end of April, right after that awesome week we spent with your sister and brother, and a few days before we were about to celebrate our 1 year here in Baler. I was happy. I remember thinking to myself "Wow, we actually did it. We moved out of the fucking city." I was proud of what we had accomplished as a couple. As a team. Not perfect but man, how our love could burn the whole place down. Remember those days? I digress. Anyway, right after feeling really proud and happy, it was a slap of worry. An abrupt reminder of everything we went through in the last year. Suddenly, I was anxious. Days went by that I was just silently observing, always thinking about what might come next. But nothing. We did the paddle out and just chilled before heading down for mom's 40th. I remember you even had this cute post about the 3 of us surfing. Everything was fine until that trip to Manila. When you were planning to go to Toni's gig from tito Nicky's. Dee, you know how things are between me and her. I know you invited but how could I go? You knew it'd be awkward for me? Wish we could've discussed that properly. Next day we had Paxy's swimming party at Tumac and that night you went to Kampai, and then you stayed pa in Laguna, yada yada yada. Night after night, out. But we were ok pa. We were talking at least. Planning to buy a food processor for Yo Mama, spent the weekend with Judy and them (which you lied to me about and I actually really believed lol), saw Nash. Then going home, the cat. For some reason, that was the biggest slap of them all. I wasn't pissed because you wanted to save a cat. I was pissed at the fact that it was happening all over again. After we got rid of the Gemini Twins, I thought that was closure. You even said these would be the last 4 na, Bita, Suma, Gato and Aries. And we agreed :) You started sleeping late, watching docus and I was scared shitless. That was my fault. I wish I knew how to communicate with you better. Ask you how I might be able to help and all. How you're feeling. 

Then my birthday comes and we party one of those nights. I'm really sorry about that. I didn't know how much that bothered you. Maybe I was just mad and stressed about everything that was happening. Maybe I thought you'd be cool about it since it was people you know, Bella Anton, Adrian, and Mario. Maybe I wasn't really thinking. Maybe I thought you'd tell me not to go if it really bothered you that much. Anyway, that's done and we can't do anything about it. I'm really sorry. Didn't think better.

From there, we both had our feathers up already. We weren't really able to talk about what was happening and express feelings properly. I was so wrapped up on just getting through every day as smoothly as possible that I failed to sit with you, connect with you. Take a step back, breathe, and talk about how we can relate to each other. At that moment, I started losing you, more and more. You had your own thing going and honestly, I could tell I wasn't really invited. That went on until one day, you just messaged that you wouldn't be coming home anymore. At that time, I thought some space would be good. Being squeezed in this small house can be suffocating, I get it. Then I lost you even more. 

I missed you. I honestly did. I came by one time to Anton's house (again, even if I could tell I wasn't really invited) to bring you guys some pasta and maybe hang a bit to see what you guys were cooking up but what greeted me? You didn't want to accept my offering, saying it was made with hate. Loud from the balcony in front of everyone. I was ashamed. Rejected. It hurt so much I biked home crying. That's it, I thought. I get it.

So we left the day of your event. I feel really bad about missing it and not even playing for it or taking part in it but again, it felt like I wasn't really invited. I was hoping you'd ask us to wait for you and go down to Manila after but I honestly felt that you had no plans of going for Mom's birthday. You didn't even say anything about it. You had your own thing going and it felt like that was the message. From then on, I was just seeing you do all the fun and happy things from afar. Things that I wish we could both do together! Going out, drinking, having fun. Enjoying each other's company. Being naughty! But I dunno, maybe I'm scared to do that because I know deep down you don't really like drinking? And that was it... Until that night you popped up at the museum and I was so worried about you. We were still messaging with each other. Distant but speaking. Was so relieved you got home safely that night.

The next day I was really excited to see you. Thought we'd be able to spend some time at mama's in the afternoon and Jade's at night. At least I got to see you for a bit. I still remember you walking to the lift at Tita Nanie's and all I wanted to do was grab and hug you. Didn't feel like getting punched in the face though lol.

Then of course the fete weekend came and you told me I have no right to ask you where you are or who you're with. I wanted to go too. That's something I'd totally enjoy doing with you! Like the good old days lol. But how? You already had plans. Wouldn't want to be a third wheel. 

Now I'm just really hurt. Hurt at just how much you seem to hate me. I can absolutely feel it. 

I keep crying. Cried myself driving here, in bed at night, while I take my morning coffee. But I guess I just have to accept. How'd our love get so sour? We had a great thing going. Then all these things just started happening... Pax's complicated birth, your surgery, depression, my addiction, mom's condition, Alabang house issues, mom's death. Sure hasn't been easy. Grateful I had you guys all throughout. I wouldn't be here without you and the boys.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you think I'm the cause to your insanity (ouch btw). I'm sorry I couldn't give you the world. I really am. Do know that I tried. With everything I had. I hope you see that.

Be safe, always. Hope you find the peace you're seeking without much effort and resistance. We love you. Always.

'Til then...

--

Bogey Bernardo

"Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes." -Abe Lincoln, 1840

September 20, 2024

Hi Bogey, 

I dont know what to say. Except that I miss you, i miss us. I miss our family...together. 

I dont know if there is any chance of us reconciling. Part of me knows too much has happened, but there is still a part of me that believes in love and us and knows that there is HOPE. 

I know you love me. And I love you.

I have been focusing on myself and seeing my doctor every month since last year. I havent gotten an episode since September of last year. That's one year this month... i dont know if you've noticed or if you care. My heart is shattered and I've been dealing with guilt and self pity because I feel like i ruined everything for us. But i am coming to terms with knowing that I was sick and wasnt in my right mind. It seems like such a stupid cop out excuse and I cried to my doctor yesterday about it, but she said I need to also learn to forgive myself. I am sorry I put you and the kids through that. I understand why you hate me and keep your distance. One day, this will all make sense. One day.

Til then, I will continue to pray and focus on getting better. I will love you from here. And maybe one day we can be reunited again. Maybe.

I want you to happy, Bogey. I really do. When you are ready, can we please talk? We've never really communicated well, but I hope that one day soon we can sit down as adults and talk. I really want to be your friend and partner, Bogey. If I cannot be your lover or your wife, let me be your friend. please.

All the love, thanks for letting paxy sleep over. 

Denise

How to Make a Heart Sing

 oh my love, this photo was secretly taken in the NICU when you were 6 days old and I was FINALLY allowed to hold you in my arms and nurse you directly <3 after that first session, you gave me this sweet smile and I was quick enough to take a hidden shot.

oh Pascal, you are sooo precious to all of us.. 12 years now on mama Earth, what a journey it has been.. here's to more adventures with you my sweet one.

xoxo

#lovelettersfrommom

A Giant Named Yucca

She's sooo beautiful. This darling gentle giant came to join me in my new sacred space on May 22 evening. She was too big to be left at the lobby so she waited for me to get home from the Flow Jam Fire Night in UP and it took 2 guards to help take her all the way to my balcony. 

At first, I felt she was too big but now I see she's perfect. I am not alone because she is here. I enjoy my meals in my balcony coz I can talk to my plants especially Yucca. 

2nd morning at my sacred space

early morning sunshine shadows 

Can you see her rainbow dot eyes too?

 

YogaATBP x FLOW Retreats Everyday Detox Workshop for Cargill

 

The Start of Something Big

 

Radical Self Love Workshop

 it's the month of hearts and Denise Christine Sehwani Gonzales has a workshop entitled YOU MATTER: A Celebration of Self Love this week!

Let's collaborate! Send us your email address and we can curate wellness workshops for you! Email me at hashtagdeetalks@gmail.com or @yogaatbp on instagram.

xoxo