Apples and Oranges

 We are in the homestretch for the book, Apples and Oranges, and I cant help but get nostalgic thinking of you, of us. 

Apples and Oranges was us-- both fruits but going our separate ways. 

June 28, 2022

Hey there,

How've you been? Hope you're all good and taking care of you. It's me, Bogey. Fucz? Not sure you still remember me.

Just wanted to write you a little letter. It's sad to see you go. It's sad that things are going to end this way... through messages and letters. But it seems that's really the only way for us to actually talk. 

Many things happened this time around. It sure isn't as bad as last year but it stings just the same. It started for me at the end of April, right after that awesome week we spent with your sister and brother, and a few days before we were about to celebrate our 1 year here in Baler. I was happy. I remember thinking to myself "Wow, we actually did it. We moved out of the fucking city." I was proud of what we had accomplished as a couple. As a team. Not perfect but man, how our love could burn the whole place down. Remember those days? I digress. Anyway, right after feeling really proud and happy, it was a slap of worry. An abrupt reminder of everything we went through in the last year. Suddenly, I was anxious. Days went by that I was just silently observing, always thinking about what might come next. But nothing. We did the paddle out and just chilled before heading down for mom's 40th. I remember you even had this cute post about the 3 of us surfing. Everything was fine until that trip to Manila. When you were planning to go to Toni's gig from tito Nicky's. Dee, you know how things are between me and her. I know you invited but how could I go? You knew it'd be awkward for me? Wish we could've discussed that properly. Next day we had Paxy's swimming party at Tumac and that night you went to Kampai, and then you stayed pa in Laguna, yada yada yada. Night after night, out. But we were ok pa. We were talking at least. Planning to buy a food processor for Yo Mama, spent the weekend with Judy and them (which you lied to me about and I actually really believed lol), saw Nash. Then going home, the cat. For some reason, that was the biggest slap of them all. I wasn't pissed because you wanted to save a cat. I was pissed at the fact that it was happening all over again. After we got rid of the Gemini Twins, I thought that was closure. You even said these would be the last 4 na, Bita, Suma, Gato and Aries. And we agreed :) You started sleeping late, watching docus and I was scared shitless. That was my fault. I wish I knew how to communicate with you better. Ask you how I might be able to help and all. How you're feeling. 

Then my birthday comes and we party one of those nights. I'm really sorry about that. I didn't know how much that bothered you. Maybe I was just mad and stressed about everything that was happening. Maybe I thought you'd be cool about it since it was people you know, Bella Anton, Adrian, and Mario. Maybe I wasn't really thinking. Maybe I thought you'd tell me not to go if it really bothered you that much. Anyway, that's done and we can't do anything about it. I'm really sorry. Didn't think better.

From there, we both had our feathers up already. We weren't really able to talk about what was happening and express feelings properly. I was so wrapped up on just getting through every day as smoothly as possible that I failed to sit with you, connect with you. Take a step back, breathe, and talk about how we can relate to each other. At that moment, I started losing you, more and more. You had your own thing going and honestly, I could tell I wasn't really invited. That went on until one day, you just messaged that you wouldn't be coming home anymore. At that time, I thought some space would be good. Being squeezed in this small house can be suffocating, I get it. Then I lost you even more. 

I missed you. I honestly did. I came by one time to Anton's house (again, even if I could tell I wasn't really invited) to bring you guys some pasta and maybe hang a bit to see what you guys were cooking up but what greeted me? You didn't want to accept my offering, saying it was made with hate. Loud from the balcony in front of everyone. I was ashamed. Rejected. It hurt so much I biked home crying. That's it, I thought. I get it.

So we left the day of your event. I feel really bad about missing it and not even playing for it or taking part in it but again, it felt like I wasn't really invited. I was hoping you'd ask us to wait for you and go down to Manila after but I honestly felt that you had no plans of going for Mom's birthday. You didn't even say anything about it. You had your own thing going and it felt like that was the message. From then on, I was just seeing you do all the fun and happy things from afar. Things that I wish we could both do together! Going out, drinking, having fun. Enjoying each other's company. Being naughty! But I dunno, maybe I'm scared to do that because I know deep down you don't really like drinking? And that was it... Until that night you popped up at the museum and I was so worried about you. We were still messaging with each other. Distant but speaking. Was so relieved you got home safely that night.

The next day I was really excited to see you. Thought we'd be able to spend some time at mama's in the afternoon and Jade's at night. At least I got to see you for a bit. I still remember you walking to the lift at Tita Nanie's and all I wanted to do was grab and hug you. Didn't feel like getting punched in the face though lol.

Then of course the fete weekend came and you told me I have no right to ask you where you are or who you're with. I wanted to go too. That's something I'd totally enjoy doing with you! Like the good old days lol. But how? You already had plans. Wouldn't want to be a third wheel. 

Now I'm just really hurt. Hurt at just how much you seem to hate me. I can absolutely feel it. 

I keep crying. Cried myself driving here, in bed at night, while I take my morning coffee. But I guess I just have to accept. How'd our love get so sour? We had a great thing going. Then all these things just started happening... Pax's complicated birth, your surgery, depression, my addiction, mom's condition, Alabang house issues, mom's death. Sure hasn't been easy. Grateful I had you guys all throughout. I wouldn't be here without you and the boys.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry you think I'm the cause to your insanity (ouch btw). I'm sorry I couldn't give you the world. I really am. Do know that I tried. With everything I had. I hope you see that.

Be safe, always. Hope you find the peace you're seeking without much effort and resistance. We love you. Always.

'Til then...

--

Bogey Bernardo

"Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes." -Abe Lincoln, 1840

September 20, 2024

Hi Bogey, 

I dont know what to say. Except that I miss you, i miss us. I miss our family...together. 

I dont know if there is any chance of us reconciling. Part of me knows too much has happened, but there is still a part of me that believes in love and us and knows that there is HOPE. 

I know you love me. And I love you.

I have been focusing on myself and seeing my doctor every month since last year. I havent gotten an episode since September of last year. That's one year this month... i dont know if you've noticed or if you care. My heart is shattered and I've been dealing with guilt and self pity because I feel like i ruined everything for us. But i am coming to terms with knowing that I was sick and wasnt in my right mind. It seems like such a stupid cop out excuse and I cried to my doctor yesterday about it, but she said I need to also learn to forgive myself. I am sorry I put you and the kids through that. I understand why you hate me and keep your distance. One day, this will all make sense. One day.

Til then, I will continue to pray and focus on getting better. I will love you from here. And maybe one day we can be reunited again. Maybe.

I want you to happy, Bogey. I really do. When you are ready, can we please talk? We've never really communicated well, but I hope that one day soon we can sit down as adults and talk. I really want to be your friend and partner, Bogey. If I cannot be your lover or your wife, let me be your friend. please.

All the love, thanks for letting paxy sleep over. 

Denise

How to Make a Heart Sing

 oh my love, this photo was secretly taken in the NICU when you were 6 days old and I was FINALLY allowed to hold you in my arms and nurse you directly <3 after that first session, you gave me this sweet smile and I was quick enough to take a hidden shot.

oh Pascal, you are sooo precious to all of us.. 12 years now on mama Earth, what a journey it has been.. here's to more adventures with you my sweet one.

xoxo

#lovelettersfrommom

A Giant Named Yucca

She's sooo beautiful. This darling gentle giant came to join me in my new sacred space on May 22 evening. She was too big to be left at the lobby so she waited for me to get home from the Flow Jam Fire Night in UP and it took 2 guards to help take her all the way to my balcony. 

At first, I felt she was too big but now I see she's perfect. I am not alone because she is here. I enjoy my meals in my balcony coz I can talk to my plants especially Yucca. 

2nd morning at my sacred space

early morning sunshine shadows 

Can you see her rainbow dot eyes too?

 

YogaATBP x FLOW Retreats Everyday Detox Workshop for Cargill

 

The Start of Something Big

 

Radical Self Love Workshop

 it's the month of hearts and Denise Christine Sehwani Gonzales has a workshop entitled YOU MATTER: A Celebration of Self Love this week!

Let's collaborate! Send us your email address and we can curate wellness workshops for you! Email me at hashtagdeetalks@gmail.com or @yogaatbp on instagram.

xoxo

Keep Coming Back

 Keep Coming Back

By: DCSGB I have vivid memories of being in a pool, early evening, with my brother while mom was sitting with some friends in a circle close by. They would talk for what felt like eternity- laugh, cry, hug, and always ended with this line, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it." Those were good times, but when I turned 12, mom wanted dad out of the house and I couldn't understand why. Dad was a good man, but mostly MIA. He would show up after days away "working", sometimes with bandages from motorcycle accidents or fights. Him leaving was painful and ver confusing. But mom took us to a place where we were allowed to talk about our feelings, cry and draw. I remember drawing a flower with one petal fallen on the ground. That was my dad.. and that was how I felt:( It was only years later that mom told us that dad was sick, that he had a drug problem. It was called shabby and I swore I would never touch it- because it ripped my family apart. I went through high school telling my friends "one is too many, a thousand never enough" and "alcohol is a drug!" I was happy and could b out with friends who were high and drunk and feel totally comfortable with my choices, not needing anything to alter my natural high. Then I took my first drink. I wanted this guy to mind me and he was only minding my friends who were drinking his shots. So I said-- mind me! get me a drink! my drink was a Slammer- a mix of everything with one goal- to get you f@cked in the shortest time possible and that is what I wanted. (also coz i was kuripot:P) Alcohol led to pot,, then A..and E..and K.. and everything else in the alphabet. And then one night, we couldn't find E, so someone suggested Shabs. I was nervous yet excited at the same time and told myself this would be the first and never again-- because this is the drug that destroyed us. Then I took my first slide.. and in an instance I knew-- NOW I KNEW WHY MY DAD COULDN'T PUT THIS DOWN.. WHY HE ALLOWED IT TO BREAK OUR FAMILY. You all know how the next part goes- the parties and adventures, the crazies and fights, the lies and relationships you tear apart. THE INSANITY. When I was using, there was always this voice inside that knew I would live clean..one day. I just didnt want it to happen so soon My drugging life was short lived. In less than two years, I was in the emergency room, almost dead from mixing stuff, not eating or sleeping for a few days. My "friends" said I was over acting and just having a 'bad trip'. While unconscious, I travelled to a place of peace and utter bliss.. where I saw God and I told Him/Her that I wanted to stay there because it was soon peaceful, so perfect. But the answer was NO- you have to go back and help others like you. When I woke up, I knew I needed help. I found myself in the same garden with the pool in the beginning on my story; in circles wit people talking, laughing, crying and hugging. Recovery wasn't easy. I was around eighteen only and with people who lost everything- their wives, cars, homes and families. I lost nothing-- except my mind maybe:P The next years were followed by short-lived insanities and brief recovery. I guess the good thing about knowing about the program at an early age made me get unmanageable right away. After five years on sobriety, I met the love of my life (nax!!) Only problem was he was "normal". By normal, I mean he drank, smoked pot.. every day. Liked A..and E.. and everything to get him f@cked. We were apples and oranges. How was this going to work? He was going down his path and me mine. Although trying yo take him to my side, he didn't get it and so I consciously decided I was "cured" and I could be normal too. So I did that for twelve years. Got married, started businesses in the wellness industry, had two kids.. but there was always this voice in my head, telling me to go back to my meetings.. but how? and why? Medicine, religion, psychiatry-- I tried it all; and they worked for a while, but there was always something off. Because I was still using and drinking "manageably". I even went to Codependents Anonymous convinced it was my marriage with the problem- not my using. But do codependents need to stay sober??? This question haunted me and by some stroke of luck, Higher Power as we call it, I found myself moving a street away from the infamous New Manila meetings. I'd bike past the house, too scared to enter..until I was desperate to surrender. Today, I am ten months clean and sober and here to share my story. Life is not perfect, but I've got two brilliant boys who mean the world to me. And if they've got genes like me (and their daddy:P), addiction runs deep in our veins. Getting sober is my way of preventing the disease from spreading. But I leave that up to my Higher Power for now. All I know is that today, I am clean ONE DAY AT A TIME. They say to stay until the miracle happens. Today, it is #everydaymiracles with this new perspective on life. And so as the saying goes, and my mom would always add-- KEEP COMING BACK. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT..SO WORK IT, COZ YOU ARE WORTH IT!! March 17, 2018 NA Unity Day, Antipolo City