February 11, 2020
8:38pm
Dearest Denise,
I write this letter with utmost love and respect.
I am not here to fight, nor point fingers. I only wish to let you know, with complete honesty, where I am at this point in my life and our relationship, and how I got here. I know things haven't been good for quite some time now. There've been many problems and issues that we've left unfixed and ignored. Many of which might be trivial, the typical small things married couples have to deal with, and some... Some really major ones. At least for me. The last few weeks have been really tough for me, but I am grateful that it has slapped me in the face and made me rethink our precious relationship. I know I have said and done many hurtful things in the past. For this, I am deeply sorry. I have taken our marriage, our relationship, you as my partner, and you as a person for granted. Please know that I didn't and would never do this just to be mean. I'm not that kind of person. All this is just me falling into a really dark, difficult, and depressing pit. A pit I thought I'd be able to get out of just by changing my habits alone... Waking up earlier, going for walks, looking after my health, exercising, etc. I'm sure you've seen me putting in the work. While this has helped a lot, I've realized that it's not enough. This is why I've also put effort into seeing Vivian, going to counselling and now, trying to exert more effort into reviving our relationship. It sucks how something like Bacolod had to happen for me to realize but it is what it is. I guess it really had to happen.
My downward spiral into this dark, difficult, and depressing pit began when you fell into depression. That was really difficult for me to see and deal with. In fact, I know I'm not over that yet. It destroyed me to see this once happy, loving and free spirit not want to deal with me, the kids, and with life as a whole. It destroyed me to see you hurt yourself, bang your head, think so low of yourself, and struggle with basic daily life. It was really painful to watch and be around that. And so in true Bogey fashion, I shut myself off just like when we got pregnant with Benny. I ran as far away as I could. I ran because I was scared and felt like I didn't know you anymore. The woman I fell so deeply in love with and married was now someone totally different. It felt like I was married to a complete stranger. Those were extremely tough days. I knew you were sick, but I couldn't accept it and just really wished you'd snap out of it. Honestly, I just wanted to die and fade away but I knew I had to be strong especially for the kids. So I kept pushing on, focusing on them and letting you deal with your health on your own. I thought to myself that I'd give you all the space you need or want since you didn't want any of us anyway. That's how it felt. It hurt to think that we were your trigger. It was really hard to deal with. Then slowly, you got better. You got out of your dark pit, and while that was really great, I sank deeper and deeper into mine. You were depressed because of us and now that you were feeling great again, it felt as if you didn't need us or at least me anymore. I felt neglected. The pain and hardship I went through during those days felt neglected. And by this time, you were out and about and high on life. You had loads of new friends I've never heard of before, new activities, yoga classes, everything. There were numerous weekends spent with other people but me and the kids. Many nights you were out and so on. Many out of town trips without me. All of this made me feel worse, and strengthened the idea that you really didn't want or need me. Now that I reflect on it, I think I was really just looking for sympathy or acknowledgement. Maybe I just wanted you to hold me, let me know that you still loved me, and more importantly, let me know that everything will be okay. Maybe I just wanted you to want me. Because ever since then, even more so now, I really don't know if you do. And while all this was happening, in the back of my mind I was always worried you'd fall back into that pit, so I just stayed in mine. Cautious about showing my emotions, showing love, and just being there. There've been many times in the past that I just wanted to hug you and cry in your arms but I stopped myself. Afraid of being vulnerable and showing "weakness" because I felt like I had to keep it together and be strong. I now know that this isn't real strength. Strength lies in being able to accept weakness, vulnerability, and hardship. It's being able to look in the mirror and honestly tell myself how fucked up and miserable I truly am and then being able to do something about it. It's also about me learning to communicate with you. For me to be able to tell you how I feel. Like you said, we're all works in progress.
Now, here I am. Shocked and scared with this sudden realization that at any moment, someone can just take you away from me and the kids. Regretful about all those wasted days. Regretful about all those wasted moments. Regretful about all those feelings I chose not to show or tell you about but at the same time, still itching for some hint of wanting from you. Some sense of acknowledgement. Some sense of compassion. Because all throughout this entire thing, from the moment you got sick, I was alone. No one was really there for me. Sure I had my friends and family, but that was mostly me just pretending nothing was wrong. No one ever bothered to REALLY ask me if I was okay. Not your family, not mine. And that's when I would miss my mom the most. That's when I'd cry while watching her at the dinner table. That's when I'd cry at New Year's eve. That's when I'd cry at work. I hope you understand, there's also a lot I'm dealing with... family, work, home. But I think I'm much better now than I was then. Me looking after my health has helped a lot. Just sweating it all out. I mean if there's nothing else I can feel good about, at least there's that. That's why I try my best to really stick to this routine, regardless of what time I get to bed or how tired I might be because I feel my life can just come crumbling down again. I guess all I'm trying to say is that the past few years have been really fucked up for me, and us not talking and just harboring anger and resentment towards each other didn't help at all. And I don't want that no more... I want to be better, not just with myself but with us.
I want my wife back.
B
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