goodbye office

i never really enjoyed being in the office anyway. so when asked to return full time, after being home with benny for 9 months, i thought, weight the pros and cons, then decided to decline their offer. even if it meant saying goodbye to my salary.

course it felt good to be around people, have a reason to put make up and get dressed every day. but then again, i can still do that and celebrate days at home with benny.

i dunno. i just feel a bit off today. i'd like to blame the moon for being full the other night, and sucking me dry again. but is it the moon? is it pms?

i've noticed though that when i am idle, i get sad. not complaining..i am not even idle. i just have too many silly things on my mind and they are stressing me out.

fix my damn phone czo it stopped taking photos. (just do it right, go to the mall and do it..sans the car!)
fix my pump and get that transformer thing. (again, just go and do it..stress lang coz it just decided to stop working last night, one almost-engorged moment)
clean the unit and all its anay and boxes (not your problem, let it go)
make more money (one day at a time..slowly dee)
plan a garage sale and get rid of stuff..(soon soon..so i have extra cash and good energy coming in)
bake goodies for ben so he eats more than oatmeal and rice lang (make time for this and get goodie recipes and just do it!)

ok i need to just do all these things and quit complaining!

just do it!!

in the danger zone

Benny, at almost 7 months, moves.

And he moves a lot.

Started with slithers backwards, turning over and getting stuck, rolling, humping, pouncing (with growling), climbing, pulling.

Needless to say, to leave him on the bed, or anywhere alone would be dangerous.

The other day, as he dozed off to dreamland (or so I thought), I got up and answered a phone call in the other room. I didn't dare disturb him coz naptime equals Dee time, for shower, food, and net (busy busy is good good!).

In less than two minutes, I entered back into the room to find Ben awake, on the corner of our queen-sized bed, on his knees and with his hands on the arm of the rocking chair by the bed...giddy and bouncing with a big grin on his face as if he were saying, "Mum!! There you are!!"

I ran (four steps from the door to the bed) and grabbed him in panic that another second away could mean another fall..more painful than the previous one!

Safe and in the bed, we played and fed until he napped again after. Phew! Fearless Benicio.



In other news....

it has been 12..yes twelve days since Benny has seen daddy-o.:( Because I am mad, holding back and not communicating. But B has also not tried to see us, or at least Ben. No call, no text, no asking if he could come visit (Sometimes I wish he were somewhere around spying on us at least.).

Can't comprehend how he could stay away this long. *sigh*

oh well..if he did come, i don't know how i'd act or what i'd say anyway. Just pondering.

knowing there is only now

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille

A comfort to read such words on my email I guess.

With all the chaos around me, the impending uncertainty, deep sadness slash excitement that singledom may be mine again, the trusting the process and knowing that all i have is really today.

i don't know. i am sad. i am hurt. but when I look into Benny's eyes, with him smiling at me for no reason at all, I know that things will be ok, no matter what. Really.

Enough settling, or running after people to be loved. I deserve so much more than that.

I pray for strength..and courage..with the souls of every one who has walked this path before and found themselves better in the end.

Now, I am not walking it alone. I've got Benlove to hold my hand.

I do not want to hate anymore. I pray for the day I am less mad at the cards that I am dealt. But as much as I want to blame, I know that I also chose the choices I made that led me here.

All will be well..good things.

i hate

no one is going to read this so i might as well tell my blog how i feel.

i am worried about all the hate i am currently feeling for my grandfather. he stormed into my room the other night and un-invited me to dinner so benny could stay home. he said

"no, you are not invited, my friend. Stay home with your son!" (i still need to learn how to make words bold here!)

i hate how he calls me 'his friend" coz we will never be anything close to that. and how he calls benny my son, and not by his name..as if to make things more authoritative.

ok ok. i know he has benny's wellbeing in his mind, but i hate how him and my grandma think that they know what's best for him. i guess all adults (does that disclude me?) think they know what to do, since they have had their own share of children and life in general. but the way they hover, with such authority is purely annoying. it makes me feel stupid as a mum, like i am selfish and make selfish decisions and do not care about benny's health, joy, and overall being! really stupid, they always think i purposely expose him to germs and bad spirits. arrghhh. i need to accept that they are from the old school way of thinking where outdoor equals sickness and activity equals overfatigue.

now, when my grandfather goes to benny to talk to him and say hi, i feel my blood boil, like i want to tell him to never look at us again. i am scared coz i feel like i am beginning to have the same anger that my mum had for her parents..that deep rooted resentment for them, blaming them for i dont know what.

that's why i want to leave. for as long as i live with them, they will always think they have authority over me and now benny. they will always have a say. i like being here coz i have my sister with me, help that i need (food, laundry, driver), the net to keep me sane, and the village atmosphere for benny's wellbeing. but the trade off is shit from my grandparents.

this has been brewing for a while and i'd like to believe that by writing, i am letting go of some steam. i do not want to hate. i do not want to be unhappy. i do not want to have resentments.

oh well...much has to be done, dee. one day at a time.

coming to terms

my little darling baby will be five months in a less than two weeks..how time flies.

a few days ago, i was again hit by the anxiety bug that made me stress about my life and how i feel like it is going nowhere. before, i was sinking in the pit alone..now, i have my son to worry about.

a friend pointed out that maybe i have not truly come to terms with the whole 'mommyhood' idea. yes, things have changed. priorities, everyday life, relationships, (my size!!), the way i feel about things. on a good day, i can experience these changes and take things in stride. on a bad day, (fridays mostly coz those are the days when i feel alone at home and resentful that my partner is out havin' a ball livin' the bachelor life!) things can really get to me...to the point that i want to fly away and start over.

i love my son..with all my heart. i want to give him the best..this of course means finding the best person for myself, who will love me and my son unconditionally, treat us right, take care of us and make the world a sunshiney place. whether or not that person has arrived is beyond me today. that is what stresses me out. the what if's sink in.

so i accept that the whole mum idea is still in transition within me. it doesn't mean that i love my son less..it doesn't make me a bad mum and does not deserve my guilt. simple fact is that i am going through changes that bring with them a bunch of wacky emotions to deal with..



here's to a happy and healthy life for me and my darling son benny. wherever the wind will bring us, there will always be sunshine:)