blog, i miss you

i miss you blog!

been sooooooooooo busy with lots of little things..i am not a kayodmum!! hahaha! for my sake and ben's.

oh well..better busy than idle right! and it's a good thing coz that means i am getting somewhere!

soon soon soon

goodbye office

i never really enjoyed being in the office anyway. so when asked to return full time, after being home with benny for 9 months, i thought, weight the pros and cons, then decided to decline their offer. even if it meant saying goodbye to my salary.

course it felt good to be around people, have a reason to put make up and get dressed every day. but then again, i can still do that and celebrate days at home with benny.

i dunno. i just feel a bit off today. i'd like to blame the moon for being full the other night, and sucking me dry again. but is it the moon? is it pms?

i've noticed though that when i am idle, i get sad. not complaining..i am not even idle. i just have too many silly things on my mind and they are stressing me out.

fix my damn phone czo it stopped taking photos. (just do it right, go to the mall and do it..sans the car!)
fix my pump and get that transformer thing. (again, just go and do it..stress lang coz it just decided to stop working last night, one almost-engorged moment)
clean the unit and all its anay and boxes (not your problem, let it go)
make more money (one day at a time..slowly dee)
plan a garage sale and get rid of stuff..(soon soon..so i have extra cash and good energy coming in)
bake goodies for ben so he eats more than oatmeal and rice lang (make time for this and get goodie recipes and just do it!)

ok i need to just do all these things and quit complaining!

just do it!!

knowing there is only now

"Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark."
-Agnes De Mille

A comfort to read such words on my email I guess.

With all the chaos around me, the impending uncertainty, deep sadness slash excitement that singledom may be mine again, the trusting the process and knowing that all i have is really today.

i don't know. i am sad. i am hurt. but when I look into Benny's eyes, with him smiling at me for no reason at all, I know that things will be ok, no matter what. Really.

Enough settling, or running after people to be loved. I deserve so much more than that.

I pray for strength..and courage..with the souls of every one who has walked this path before and found themselves better in the end.

Now, I am not walking it alone. I've got Benlove to hold my hand.

I do not want to hate anymore. I pray for the day I am less mad at the cards that I am dealt. But as much as I want to blame, I know that I also chose the choices I made that led me here.

All will be well..good things.