Dearest Lover

(as I listen to Both Sides Now + One Fine Day + Northern Sky and all the other songs in my funeral playlist) 

Dearest Lover, 

Hello. How are you doing? 

It's been quite some time since we've spoken.

The space between grows wider and vaster as each day that passes. I never really thought I'd be writing you a secret love letter on my blog because I am persona non grata via telegram or email. Plus I guess you've told me that you are done for good and sending this love letter would be me bugging you to love me again. 

I just want to say hello. 

and that I miss you. i miss us.

and that im sorry.  

How we got here is all my fault. Was it? Or did we drive each other to wit's end to get to where we are today? On April 13, we will be celebrating 12 years married. Well, we won't actually be celebrating.. i mean, I will, secretly and in silence. I'll see you next week and be renting a room down the road to keep the peace and respect your wishes of me not sleeping in "your" house-- the house that was ours one day for many years. the home we built with the family that we loved. 

Oh, lover, must you hate me this much? Will we ever be friends again.. or lovers? Or is that a long shot? 

Kamusta ka, akin mahal? You know I will always love you.. even when I am angry and feisty and yes, even when I hate you. Maybe it's because you know that so you can push me to the edge and watch me fly. 

The other day, we rescued a bird on the road on our way home. She was injured and came into our care without a fight. We kept her in a safe birdcage for a day.. or was it two? And tonight, as the sun was setting, 

i

set

her 

free. 

She didn't fly off right away. She hid under the bush outside but then at one point she hopped to the ledge and right when I was about to hold her, she surprised HERSELF and flew. I never saw a bird fly with so much JOY. oh what bliss. and soon other birds were flying around her and that was that. a free bird. 

I feel like that now.. recovering and recuperating from my broken heart and under the care of family that loves me no matter what. i was homeless thanks to my own doing and now I have a home. How long I'll stay, I dont know. But this is where I am for now and life is good. 

Except i.miss.you. 

I know your family is there with you now and the smile on your face is priceless. When I saw it, I wondered if I'd ever see you smile at me or with me that way again :( 

So like the free bird, fly free dear one. just know that i am truly sorry for leaving and making a spectacle of our sad little love affair. 

i wish you well and will continue to secretly write to you for as long as i want to.. no one can stop me from telling you that i love you still. at least this blog listens. and that's enough for now. 

oh life.. turning 43 next week and i am single. how interesting is this life. 

that's all for now, lover. 

see you next week. hugging you in this digital space! you are an amazing person and father to our children. THANK YOU for that. 

as the kids say..ily. gn. :*