Vegetarian Dee

Saturday, September 1, 2007

i hate

no one is going to read this so i might as well tell my blog how i feel.

i am worried about all the hate i am currently feeling for my grandfather. he stormed into my room the other night and un-invited me to dinner so benny could stay home. he said

"no, you are not invited, my friend. Stay home with your son!" (i still need to learn how to make words bold here!)

i hate how he calls me 'his friend" coz we will never be anything close to that. and how he calls benny my son, and not by his name..as if to make things more authoritative.

ok ok. i know he has benny's wellbeing in his mind, but i hate how him and my grandma think that they know what's best for him. i guess all adults (does that disclude me?) think they know what to do, since they have had their own share of children and life in general. but the way they hover, with such authority is purely annoying. it makes me feel stupid as a mum, like i am selfish and make selfish decisions and do not care about benny's health, joy, and overall being! really stupid, they always think i purposely expose him to germs and bad spirits. arrghhh. i need to accept that they are from the old school way of thinking where outdoor equals sickness and activity equals overfatigue.

now, when my grandfather goes to benny to talk to him and say hi, i feel my blood boil, like i want to tell him to never look at us again. i am scared coz i feel like i am beginning to have the same anger that my mum had for her parents..that deep rooted resentment for them, blaming them for i dont know what.

that's why i want to leave. for as long as i live with them, they will always think they have authority over me and now benny. they will always have a say. i like being here coz i have my sister with me, help that i need (food, laundry, driver), the net to keep me sane, and the village atmosphere for benny's wellbeing. but the trade off is shit from my grandparents.

this has been brewing for a while and i'd like to believe that by writing, i am letting go of some steam. i do not want to hate. i do not want to be unhappy. i do not want to have resentments.

oh well...much has to be done, dee. one day at a time.

1 comment:

Honey said...

I can relate to the feeling. I just hate when they hover, like I don't know what I'm doing, especially my MIL. May mga suggestions pa na OA na sa pagka old school, I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling her to leave us alone. Oh well. Be strong!